I’ve long struggled with how exactly to turn my real-life dating explorations into blog-worthy content without offending my suitors who have friended me on Facebook or followed me on Twitter. I’m sure if they read they’ll be able to see themselves in there and I want to avoid disaster (do you guys remember when Big read Carrie’s book? Bad news bears). But I’ve been dating fewer people more regularly lately and the experiences are just too good to not share. These are some tell-tale signs I should have stopped dating him. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent (and they’ve been blocked/ unfriended to avoid #thatawkwardmoment when the girl you used to date starts blogging about you #sorrynotsorry):
1) They want to do drugs with you in a very public arena on your second date – you know, sometimes I wish I could make up the stories that actually happen to me in real life. Sometimes I think it’s 2003 and Ashton Kutcher is punking me. Then I realize, yes, yes, this is my life. Basically, this happened. The public arena ended up being Times Square. The drug was just pot, so no big deal right? WRONG. This gentleman should not be stoned in public. We got kicked out of a bowling alley. Not my proudest moment. More shameful? I continued dating him for almost 3 months.
2) It takes them 5 dates to kiss you and another 3 to sleep with you – call me a combination of old fashioned and big ol’ slut but I expect the guy to make the first move and I expect it within the first 2 dates if things are going well. I don’t need to be a tangle of sweaty naked limbs with you in that amount of time, but give the girl some tongue, right? Otherwise, it’s unclear if you’re getting along as friends or as more than friends. And once some serious making out has started, and you’re spending a decent amount of time seeing and speaking to each other, you should probably be playing a little game called more than the tip. I’m thinking of a very specific situation as I write this and if you’re interested in the long embarrassing story, please send me a message. I feel bad going into all the gory details. But let’s just say I felt like I was deflowering this particular guy and I have only ever done that TWICE.
3) They say “ouch” a LOT in bed
– please see #19 of this blog
. Enough said.
4) You are very clearly in different places, with different goals – I’m kind of a broken record with this career thing, right? But it’s really important to me and when I end up with someone who likes to dick around with their career and thinks a life making 40 grand a year is precisely how they always imagined they’d end up and look at me with loserville eyes to pick up the check because they saw my LinkedIn profile and think they scored a sweet gig dating me, well I want to crawl up and die in my shoes that cost more than their rent. Like actually. But it’s not just the money. It’s the lack of ambition. I mean, the money thing is also kind of important.
5) You don’t get each other’s jokes and/ or you’re speaking a totally different language – Communication is key to any good relationship. And you need to communicate in similar ways. For me, this includes having a similar sense of humor and finding the same things funny. I mean, I’m fucking hilarious and when someone doesn’t laugh at me, they need to get away from me. If my pop culture references fall on boring deprived childhood ears, I simply can’t stand for that. Have you ever made out with someone just to keep them from speaking? Yup.
6) It’s been three months and you know you’d never call this person boyfriend – at some point, you can’t stay with someone who don’t ever see yourself being with just because it’s winter and wearing a short skirt out all the time is annoying, or you have some big home-projects that require heavy lifting or there’s a mouse in your apartment and you feel better having a man around. These are no reasons to keep torturing yourself being with someone you don’t actually like. And eventually, you have to not be a cruel bitch who can have emotionless sex with a guy who keeps bringing up getting tested so you can have monogamous condomless sex and who drops the “b” word more than Hannah from Girls when she was chasing Adam during Season 1. It’s time to end it. Because you’re still a woman and women aren’t this cruel.