No-Fail Ways to Make Yourself Really Sad

I know it seems weird, but we all do it right? We all do things we know we shouldn’t because we know we’ll just depress ourselves. And yet, it’s like we’re not physically capable of stopping it, knowing full well we’ll end up walking back to our apartments with Ray LaMontagne singing sad diddies in our ears (just me? whatever). Sometimes we need to feel sad, though. And sometimes we just don’t have anything better to do. Here are my go-to make-you-want-to-sit-in-the-dark-and-cry-for-days techniques:

1) While single, stalk every one of your ex-boyfriends and their new girlfriends. Use your phone to simultaneously stalk yourself and compare photos. He totally looks happier in this picture than I do, right? His smile is way more genuine. Is that girl prettier than me? She definitely has a flatter stomach. FUCK NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN.

2) Go on a second or third date with a guy you don’t actually like. Because the date will inevitably not go well and all you’ll think is ANOTHER FAILED DATE. FUCK NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN. You totally forget you didn’t like this guy in the first place, you just said yes because it was polite and maybe better than going right home after work and then you somehow end up blaming yourself when you bump faces because he tried to kiss you and you ducked and then you think OH MY GOD I’M SUCH A SPAZ NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN.

3) Watch 500 Days of Summer. FUCK YOU ZOOEY. Seriously, all Tom did was love you. He drew architectural sketches on your forearm. He went with you to Ikea for trivets. HE LOVED YOU. And you were too busy buying vintage dresses and stupid hair ribbons and not cutting your bangs to even care. This movie makes me so, so sad. And yet, I watch it all. the. time. Because deep down, I hate myself. And love Joseph Gordon Levitt. Duh.

4) Try on a skirt from your closet that was a little too tight when you bought it and you were on your post-break-up diet (which consisted of eating martini olives and tears, exclusively). You KNOW is never in a million years going to zip in your current state of if-someone-is-going-to-love-me-they’ll-love-me-with-these-10-extra-pounds. You take this dress out of your closet, wiggle it up over your giant ass and get it to zip about 3/8ths of an inch. And you can’t breath. And you think, maybe with Spanx? But no, not even with Spanx. So you sit on your couch in the unzipped dress, eating Ben & Jerry’s while stalking photos of yourself during the post-break-up phase and wish you were that skinny again and marvel at how the constant crying gave your eyes this really interesting sparkle in pictures.

5) Read anything by Jodi Picoult. Because SPOILER ALERT: SOMEONE YOU LOVED DURING THE BOOK WHO IS LIKELY UNDER THE AGE OF 16 IS GOING TO DIE AND YOU WEREN’T GOING TO SEE IT COMING. Seriously, Picoult, I don’t understand you. You’re an evil curly haired ginger woman. I know better than to read your books. But I think, ah Wuthering Heights made my head hurt, time for something easy and light. OH look, a Jodi Picoult book! And there are children holding hands on the cover. How sweet! WRONG. I usually put the book in freezer because I just can’t handle it.

6) Go somewhere by yourself. Like anywhere. If the moon in its right phase, going somewhere by yourself when other people are there together will make you want to cry for hours and think NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN. Writing in Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon? Of course you don’t need company to do that. But everyone else at Starbucks has a companion to split the 450 calorie pumpkin scone with EXCEPT FOR YOU. So you will shame eat the whole thing, because what’s the point anyway. Then you put your bag in the seat across from you, like it’s your friend, because you have no one else

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Posted on October 25, 2012, in ponderings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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