If I Could Dress the World
It’s election season and politicians are all over the US, making promises about how the nation – and the world – will be changed if we made the decision to elect them. Well, I’d like to discuss some important issues for a moment. Let’s talk fashion. I could dress the world, here are some laws I’d get in place as soon as possible. Now there are many others I’d likely pass over my term in office, but we have to start somewhere. These are my low-hanging fashion fruit.
1) Sneakers will never be worn unless you are actually partaking in physical activity. Your go-to shoe should never, ever be a pair of sneakers. There are PLENTY of casual and comfortable options for footwear, so there are no excuses for wearing sneakers to dinner.
2) Athletic jerseys will only be worn by professional athletes and children under the age of 5. I don’t care if you’re a fan of the Mets. You’re not actually on the team, so you shouldn’t wear the jersey. You want the last name of a man embroidered on your back? Do you not realize how strange that is? Little kids in jerseys (especially babies in full-out team gear) are really stinkin’ cute. But that’s where I draw the line. Your jersey should come with a contract, not a receipt.
3) Kitten heels will become chew toys for dogs. Anything under three inches does not qualify as a pair of heels. I don’t even think they should qualify as shoes. Ballet flats are okay. Riding boots, I love. But kitten heels are way too hideous to deserve a name so cute. Give ’em to the dogs.
4) Plain t-shirts will only to be worn under clothes. They will never be the star of the show. If you bought your t-shirt in a pack of three for $9.99, no one should see it in public.
5) “Mom” jeans will never be an excuse for mis-fitting denim with long crotches and saggy asses. Just because you have children does NOT mean you have to be dressed like a homeless frump of a person. And if you prefer this style and don’t have kids, you have to pay extra taxes. It’s only fair.
VOTE FOR ME.