Girly Things I Just Can’t Do
I’m a girl in a lot of ways. I can put together an outfit like nobody’s business. I learned how to walk in heels before I learned how to use the bathroom by myself. I can take care of babies, cook a meal, and cry at the drop of a hat just because. I am a woman. But there are some things I just suck at. I feel like I shame my gender when it comes to the following:
1) Saying hello and goodbye in person – the handshake? the hug? the kiss on the cheek? I NEVER get this right. I dread this more than I dread actual meetings some times. I have embarrassed myself so many times. I have crashed into people’s shoulders with my glasses. I have had my boob grabbed by accident. Some girls effortlessly give a warm shoulder squeeze and kiss on the cheek. Not me. I have walked away thinking “OMG, did that really happen?” I wish everyone would just wave or throw high fives. Can we just make that a thing?
2) The warm weather glow – Who are these girls that just glisten when it’s 900 degrees out? Are they immune to the heat? Is there some level of estrogen I haven’t quite hit that keeps their internal temperature lower than everyone else’s? I look outside when it’s hot, and I sweat profusely. If I walk too quickly from point A to point B in the dead of winter, I will drip intensely into my down-filled, fur-lined coat. I will walk around sans jacket until February, because I will sweat through the first snow. And of course, the sweat starts on my face. It’s like a ran a marathon when I really just strolled two blocks to get lunch.
3) Lipstick – I’d give my right arm to get my hands on chapstick, but I do not know how to keep lipstick on for more than an hour. I have color-stay fire engine red lipstick that I LOVE but after 5 hours, I look like the red lipstick DON’T in a fashion magazine. I also talk really weird when I have lipstick on. My lips don’t move correctly and they feel like there are things dripping off them and that I just got a dental procedure and the Novocaine is starting to wear off. I pretty much stick exclusively to chapstick or Smith’s Minted Rosebud Salve if I’m feeling fancy.
4) Doing my hair – in a dream world I have perfected using a hair wand to give myself beachy carefree waves with the exact right amount of volume. In the real world, I have a 2nd degree burn currently healing along my hairline because that hair wand is 400 degrees and I am the most uncoordinated person on the planet when it comes to hair tools. I have tangled my hair in more round brushes than I care to remember. I can pretty much do two things when it comes to my hair: pin straight or throw-some-gel-in-and-hope-it-looks-curly. I’ve recently nailed a sock bun and I thought I was Ken Paves. I’m pretty hopeless when it comes to a hairdryer. I dream of having a hairdresser on my personal staff.
Maybe someday I’ll perfect these things, but until then, I’ll just relish the fact that I can strut it in 5+ inches.