27 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
There was recently a blog on Thought Catalog about the things someone needed to know before dating the author. I thought the guy was kind of a douche with some of his points, kind of awesome with others, and pretty darn brave for publishing it to TC’s audience (which makes this little blog look like the middle of nowhere USA compared to New York City). Then my two brilliant co-workers published their lists too. (Check out Shari’s here and Alex’s here) and I was inspired. As if I haven’t given the male population enough reason to run screaming, here’s my list – one for each year I’ve been around.
1) I’m the jealous type. Like read-your-text-messages, try-to-hack-into-your-Facebook jealous. I can’t help it. But I’m working on it. The first step is admitting you’re crazy, and I’m sometimes crazy. But I try my absolute hardest to not let you see the crazy. It’s a work in progress.
2) I don’t get offended easily. More likely than not, I’ll offend you with some crude joke or inappropriate behavior. If I do, it’s probably not going to work. If I don’t, then we’ll probably end up being friends if nothing else. I snap back with a sarcastic remark pretty quickly and appreciate it if others do too.
3) I will tell you all the details of the things that happen during my day and in my life that likely don’t matter very much. But I probably won’t talk about the things that do matter. I shut down. I hate talking. I hate rehashing the past. I deal with things in my own way. Know that the tough stuff has made me who I am, for better or worse, and I’ll talk about it if and when I’m ready. There are very, very few people who know about the worst moment of my life, so if I tell you, it’s a very big deal. We both need to be ready for that.
4) Don’t ever tell me it doesn’t matter what I wear or that I don’t need to wear makeup. It does and I do. End it.
5) If I’m taller in my heels than you, it’s fine with me. If it’s not fine with you, that’s your problem. Tough. I’m not going to stop wearing them.
6) I don’t care how much money you make or what you do for a living. But you should have a job.
7) I don’t have a job. I have a career, and it’s one of the most important things in my life. You should be with me because of how driven and focused I am, not in spite of it.
8) Presents. I don’t care what or how much. It can be free and really silly. But I love presents more than most grown-ups (ok, and children) should.
9) I am not a dog person. If that’s a make or break for you, consider me a break.
10) I don’t eat meat, but really don’t care if you’re the biggest carnivore out there. I won’t get on your case about what you eat, so don’t get on mine.
11) I’m competitive. I hate this about myself. I don’t like to play games often because of it. It brings out a side of me you shouldn’t see unless you’re head-over-heels in love and will find it endearing and cute.
12) I want kids. Plural. Not today, and not tomorrow, but someday. It’s a must for me.
13) I’m shallow. Similar to my competiveness, it’s not something I’m proud of but unlike that, this will benefit you. I will buy you nice things. I will always be dressed nicely. I will never let us get fat.
14) Take me to baseball games, but please don’t make me watch football with you. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I much, much prefer sitting on my couch on Sunday with a book and no pants than at a bar with loud people screaming at a TV. I don’t even want to watch the Super Bowl.
15) Hold my hand in public, but don’t play grab ass. I’m serious. Every guy I’ve ever dated has constantly touched my ass in public. I hate it. It’s embarrassing and tacky. My ass isn’t going anywhere and it’s all yours behind closed doors, ok?
16) I am very opinionated. If you want a “yes” girl who agrees with everything you say, it’s not me. I think intelligent conversation and debate is sexy, though. So bring it.
17) My coping mechanisms are as follows: writing, drinking, shopping. As such, please expect drunken emails from me on occasion. Also expect me to have a well-stocked closet.
18) Things like meeting your friends and family are really hard for me. Don’t force me into it. It will cause a fight and it will be something I bring up months later.
19) I bite.
20) I like to be taken care of. I’m not always good at taking care of other people. I’m sorry. I will always be there for you, though, but you might need to tell me “hey, can we talk?”
21) When I’m really comfortable with someone, like all over comfortable, I develop narcolepsy. Really, I can’t stay awake during my best relationships. I think I’m always on, always stressed a little, and never fully relaxed. If I sit down next to you to watch a movie and instantly fall asleep, consider this a good sign, and try not be angry that 60% of the time we spend together I’m not conscious.
22) I drool. I cannot help this at all, and it’s gross. But I don’t snore, so it’s really the lesser of two evils. I also sweat a lot. I can’t help this either. Sorry.
23) I am sort of an asshole when we first start dating. I think of this as my defense mechanism. It takes me a really long time to let go and start to fall for someone. I fall in and out of love very slowly. Break ups are hard for me. Please be patient during our beginning – and our end.
24) I will write poems and blogs about you. I will talk to my friends about you. I will tweet about you and Instagram our dates. At least, I will if I like you.
25) If I love a song or a book or a TV show or a type of food, I will make you listen/ read/ watch/ eat it too. When I love something, I want the people I love to experience it too. I’m not trying to force anything on you, I just want you to have a piece of what made me happy.
26) I will never fart in front of you. I just can’t. If I do, please pretend it didn’t happen. I can think of nothing more embarrassing. I will, however, burp.
27) If I love you, I’m going to tell you. A lot. Once emotions are expressed, I see no reason to hold them back. But I won’t sign your Facebook wall, so please don’t sign mine. I make fun of people for that.
If you know anyone who’s cool with these 27 things… send ’em my way 🙂