How I Know You’re a Douchebag
By now, you know I have a borderline unhealthy adoration of New York City (first time reader? check my archives, it’s evident). I’m not so delusional to think all 8+ million people in this place will be folks I can stand to engage in regular conversation with, but I feel like there are a lot of douchebags around lately. Maybe they just come out more in the summer. And let’s be clear, I don’t consider douchebaggery to be limited to an XY chromosomal pairing. Women can be douchebags too. We’re not exempt. But for the sake of this article, I’m going to discuss traits that, to me, scream MALE DOUCHEBAG. I’m sure I’m going to piss some people off with this, but I encourage your outrage. And I probably already thought you were a douche, so I’m glad we’re able to get that conversation out of the way.
– What you read regularly – are you reading Thrillist, Urban Daddy or any sites like that? Yeah, you’re probably leaning toward douche tendencies. Subscribe to them? You’re definitely a douchebag. Take their advice or buy what they’re selling? I can’t even be in the same room as you.
– Your vocabulary – Bro is not a word to be used with any hint of seriousness. Ever.
– Your clothes – Sweet polo and pink shorts, bro.
– Your hair – Ok, I spend a lot of money on my hair. I admit it freely. If you spend more than I do, that’s a problem. If we go to the same salon, you better hope we don’t run into each other because I will tell everyone. Do you go to a salon? Yeah, you’re a douchebag.
– Your food choices– you insist on any of the following: something that shouldn’t have bacon in it, but does; something you read about was cool to order on dates (like oysters); ordering a salad when you’re out (that sort of behavior is annoying when girls do, so just stop).
– Your footwear – if you wear anything other than sandals (while you’re at the beach) without socks. “But socks with Sperry’s don’t work, bro.” Yeah, I know.
Perhaps these things seem a bit harsh. Perhaps you disagree with them. Perhaps this describes you to a “t” and you’re forced to come to the realization that you are a douchebag. It’s ok. The first step is admitting you have a problem.