Things You Can’t Stand During a Juice Cleanse
After traipsing around France and Italy for a few weeks and literally eating everything in sight (I mean everything. I had to take breaks during dinner to make sure I could get through all four courses and there was a mandatory 4pm Gelato Hour), I decided I needed to give my body a little break and avoid my walk being permanently dubbed the “high caloric crawl”. I did what any normal person would do, and immediately started a raw food diet in preparation for a three day juice cleanse. I know there a lot of people who did this sort of thing. But these are likely the type of people who also enjoy going to the gym and include “running a marathon” on their list of things to accomplish. I am not one of those people and I complained the entire three days I was drinking my way towards a healthier self. Here’s what I discovered: things that normally don’t phase you during a day become really fucking irritating. This is what I mean:
1) Instagram and other social networks people upload their photos to. Have you ever noticed how many people post pictures of food online? Like, really, I’m convinced every person I’m friends with/ follow decided to take those three days and take photos of the most delicious foods they could possibly find with the only objective being to taunt me. It worked.
2) Lunchtime. I don’t think I realized how many people ate during the day at work. But I’d be strolling to the ladies’ room at around 1pm to pee for the 30th time (really, all you do on this cleanse is pee) andd EVERYONE was eating. I hated all of them. I wouldn’t even let my team sit in the same office as me while they ate. Food was banned. I didn’t trust myself around a paninni. It was really for everyone’s best interest. But really, people eat around you all the time. Or chew gum, or drink coffee, or any of those things you likely do without giving it a second thought during the day.
3) People claiming they love green juice (I’m looking at you Jake). I’m sorry, but if you like drinking kale, cucumbers, romaine lettuce, parsley, celery and spinach; there is something very wrong with you. Each of things by themselves (and hell, even together in a salad with some olive oil) would be delicious, but when you JUICE them; it’s WRONG. I could not for the life of me develop a taste for this stuff and I had to drink three 16 oz bottles a day. It didn’t get easier. I actually gagged on my last sip. And then I saw a girl on the subway drinking Naked’s Green Monster. I wanted to push her on the tracks.
4) People asking how you are. I won’t even limit this to people asking how you’re feeling on the cleanse. Really, it was just anyone asking me how I was. I don’t care if they were just being polite. I just wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up, because I hadn’t chewed anything in days.
5) The gym. Those crazy cleansers say of course you should work out while you’re on a cleanse. You’ll have so much energy! And you know what, I did have a ton of energy. I really did feel great. But didn’t I suffer enough through the day? I was supposed to go the gym too? And what? When I’m done pound down some green juice? Fuck no. But I still feel like a lard ass because I didn’t go.
6) Restaurants. EVERY DAY, I had to walk by the deli I usually stop at for my morning iced coffee and breakfast. This was the hardest part of the day for me – I’m a total breakfast person. But besides just walking by my go-to morning joint; I walked by SO MANY restaurants and places to buy food just on my commute from my apartment to work and back. Who knew? But don’t worry, if you’re on a cleanse and get tempted to cheat (which I didn’t, thank you very much), you can totally cheat. With celery sticks. Perhaps if I passed a celery stick restaurant, I would have been more tempted. Instead, I just scowled at all the patrons inside the regular restaurants. But that’s typical of any New Yorker.
So all in all, I did feel better and much less guilty from my 2 week of indulging. But I’m a much happier person when I can chew.