Clothing Trends I Wish I Could Pull Off but Just Can’t
It was a really hard day for me the first time I realized that despite really liking how something looks on a hanger or someone shaped like a hanger, I simply cannot get away with wearing it. I often think of these fashion unreachables as I’m staring enviously at someone on the subway rocking said look. It doesn’t get any easier, and this is a hard post to write. Here are the looks I love, and just can’t wear.
1) Pastel jeans. In theory, I adore mint jeans. I love pale, pale pinks and the faintest whisper of a yellow dying my denims. But besides the fact that I hate pants in general, the thought of wearing tight skinny jeans during the summer gives me a hot flash. If you’re reading this and don’t live in New York City (and haven’t visited NYC during the summer months), you probably can’t sympathize with me. But trust me; jeans in the summer are just pure torture. I don’t know how some girls do it. I could barely make it out of the dressing room without literally tearing my way out of the jeans. And unfortunately, this trend just won’t work during any other season.
2) Hippie headbands. Maybe it’s just me, but I think hippie headbands (you know, the ones that go around your forehead and over your hair?) are so cool. Call me a hipster wannabe, but I dig ‘em. I also used to try to rock this look in 2nd grade. I wore a white head wrap to hold my growing-out bangs in place. I then would wear it around my head as soon as I got to school. It looked like a bandage and a teacher came in and asked “what’s wrong with the girl in the back?” No one even knew how fashionable I was at 8. But alas, the trend didn’t stick then and it doesn’t work on me now. I just stare enviously at the hipsters on the downtown F train, get off at 2nd Avenue (I don’t even live in Brooklyn), and push my Ray Bans up my nose with a longing glance over my shoulder. Maybe someday hippie headbands, maybe someday.
3) Faux-fur vests. I work with this girl who wears the cutest faux-fur vest. I saw it, was inspired, headed to the store to try on some styles and ended up looking like Cruella De Vil. I mean, literally. I was going to steal your Dalmatians. It wasn’t a good look. I don’t know what happened. I did the denim shorts and tights flawlessly. Deep-v t-shirt? Check! Killer wedge? Done. Faux-fur vest? Nope. It just didn’t work. I looked like I needed a wax job. I went the whole winter without a vest. Thank god it’s summer and I can still pull off a denim one.
4) An A-line skirt. You know some women put on A-line skirts and look stunning. Whether it’s a subtle A-line or a fuller cut, it’s just the absolute perfect thing for their body. I look about 5 feet tall and 300 pounds. I think this cut works well on “pears” and I’m more “hourglass” but I’d like to be more of the “I can wear whatever the fuck I want” and I’m not. I simply can’t pull off anything in an A-line, particularly for a business casual work getup. I exclusively rock the pencil skirt or dress, which makes me look a little bit like a hussy sometimes, what with the tightness and all, but what can I say? I’d rather look like a hussy who can close some business than a teapot in a tablecloth.
5) Scarves for fashion, not for function. Mostly because I have the fine motor skills of a chimpanzee and can’t figure out how to tie the damn things. Some girls just effortlessly drape silky scarves around themselves like “oh my, how did this old thing end up gracefully adorning my neck?” Seriously, did I miss this lesson in school? I can tie a standard tie knot. I’ve got that down. But give me a pashmina and I literally get tangled in it. There’s nothing cool or effortless about the process. Dolphins have an easier time escaping tuna nets than I do trying to get a scarf on or off myself .
I’m sure there a dozen or more styles I can’t pull off (button-down blouses, crewneck anything, the color green and hats all come to mind,), but I’m feeling really bad about myself so I’m going to stop.