Things You Can Only Get Away With On Your Birthday
Well dear readers, today is a pretty important day. Yes, you’ve guessed correctly – it’s my birthday. And while having a birthday fall on a Monday is kind of shitty, you can at least add an extra day to your “birthday weekend’ celebrations. Oh, and I’m going to Miami tomorrow, so this is where my complaining stops. The anniversary of my birth, and the absolute absurdity of my party on Saturday night has inspired me to write a blog that I’m hoping will cleanse my conscience of all the bad, bad decisions I made in the last few hours of my 26th year.
1) Demand people buy you things — whether it’s a present, a cupcake, a cab ride or a dozen shots; using the excuse of “but it’s my biiiiirthday” makes it ok to request (and expect) people to open their wallets for you.
Real life note/ apology: Sorry to my friend Meg’s boyfriend and his friends. I’m pretty sure I made them actually open their wallets and give me stuff. Also pretty sure I scored a MetroCard.
2) Pretend that you’re 21 — ya know, it’s really not ok to drink like alcohol is a magic elixir. An evening of drinks should not include wine, straight vodka, tequila, Jager, and possibly Jameson. It just shouldn’t. Because unless you actually are 21, your body will fucking hate you. However, regardless of how old you actually are, when it’s your birthday you can be whatever age you want.
Real life note/ apology: Dear friends, thanks for indulging me in a booze buffet I will never forget/ remember
3) Puke — To piggy back off point number 2, if you’re drinking all those things and you’re a real live grownup, you will likely puke. And if you’re a real live grown up you should only puke if you are legitimately sick. So even if you pretend you’re 21, your stomach might just be 27 and might get really fucking pissed at your little game. And then you’ll vom. Like a lot. And probably not even in a toilet. Because who voms in toilets anyway? (Seriously, who? I’m a puker and I can count the number of time on 1 hand I’ve made it to the bathroom. Garbage cans and beds are usually the way I go. I’ve puked in every bed I’ve owned, 3 hotel beds and 2 countries). But hey, if it’s your birthday you can puke as much as you want, ANYWHERE you want.
Real life note/ apology: Ron, I wish I had one of those Men in Black mind-eraser things. Sorry we can’t be friends anymore.
4) Wear whatever you want regardless of where you are — I had my celebrations at a dive bar in midtown Manhattan. I was wearing a Betsey Johnson amazing black dress and (obviously) a pair of killer heels. I was over-dressed. I did not care. If it’s your birthday you can wear a tiara, a ballgown, a paper sack, whatever the hell you want because it’s your birthday and there are no rules on your birthday.
Real life note/ apology: LB(V)D — little black vomit dress
Happy birthday to me, bitches. I promise I’ll behave better the other 364 days this year.