Lies Guys Don’t Need to Tell
As a modern day single girl, I can tell you for a fact that girls don’t believe a thing most guys say. On the contrary, we assume everything you’re saying is a lie and basically do a quick cost-benefit analysis of whether or not we should just go with it. Because we are the softer sex, we typically do. And that’s where the trouble lies. Instead of everyone just being honest with each other, we play lots of games and leave ourselves poised for awkward run-ins at the local Gristedes. So gentlemen, this post is for you. Here are some lies we know you’re telling, and a desperate plea to just knock it off.
1) We should hang out this week – LIES. You don’t want to hang out this week. You don’t want to hang out next week either. You want to sleep with us. And you’d like to continue to sleep with us, so you escort us out of your apartment with empty promises of a non-sex-focused rendezvous after work. Then you “cancel” (can you cancel that which you have no intention of doing?). But since you made an “effort” we’ll sleep with you next weekend. Oh, you think you’re so clever. Here’s the thing though: If you just tell us you’re interested in a clothes-off only relationship, we’ll be okay with that. Unless we’re not, in which case, we’re probably going to go crazy on you at some point, so it’s in your best interest to run now anyway. So don’t lie to us about where something is going. We won’t be “clingy” if you don’t give us a reason to think we should be. Honesty will get you laid more. Trust.
2) I was sooo drunk last night – Ok, this might not be a lie, but it’s an excuse for some stupid ass behavior. You either: didn’t text us when you said you would; texted us really inappropriate and embarrassing things that make us wonder why we started talking to in the first place; couldn’t get it up and left us unsatisfied and aggravated that we have to wake up next you; cheated on us. Don’t blame the booze, boys. Just admit that you’re a schmuck for doing any of those things. Alternatively, a guy might use this line to impress a girl. This works if you’re between the ages of 18 and 23. After that, it’s no longer effective. Unless, of course, you’re trying to sleep with a girl who is between the ages of 18 and 23. And really, no girl hits her prime during those 5 years, anyway.
3) Oh, that’s no one – Nothing is sketchier than a guy who hides his past. At this point in your dating life, everyone you’re going to date has dated someone before you. Everyone you’re going to casually sleep with has casually slept with someone else. You will not be anyone’s first love. And that’s okay. So while you don’t have to be an open book about your sexual conquests, broken hearts, and former soul mates, it’s ok to acknowledge that you have a past and that sometimes a past comes with baggage. So don’t lie, and don’t be a sketchster. K, thanks.
4) You look beautiful – That’s really sweet of you. But if we know we don’t (like it’s 5am and we just had a drunken romp and we know our hair a mess, we smell like booze, and our eyeliner is halfway down our cheeks), just don’t say anything at all. This isn’t the olden days or high school when we’re insecure and needing approval, validation and romanticism. Tell me I look beautiful when I’m in something new and sparkly and short with really high heels. And if you think I do look beautiful when I’m in the hot mess state described above, you’re probably totally obsessed with me and I won’t like you anymore anyway.
Ladies, please continue to help the few men out there who read this thing – what are some other lies you wish they would stop sprouting? Leave ‘em in the comments.