Single or Taken: How to Rock Valentine’s Day (and not vom regardless of the situation)
Valentine’s Day is rarely thought of as a great holiday. If you’re single, it’s a day you sit around with your girlfriends and eat more chocolate than you’ll eat again at any other point of the year. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be forced to spend too much money on things like flowers and dinner reservations and be pressured to buy yet another gift (really, wasn’t Christmas like, less than 2 months ago?). It’s a greeting card holiday. Blah, blah, blah. We know all the standard complaints right? Well here I have for you a survival guide to help you get through the day whether or not you’re in a relationship.
1) Get off your knees – ok, we’re going to get vulgar here. If you are not regularly the type of girl who’s into oral sex, using Valentine’s Day as the one day a year you’ll give your significant other a beej is sort of pathetic and unoriginal. Also, don’t flatter yourself. If you only practice the art of fellatio once every 365 days, you’re probably a little rusty. And I question your gag reflex.
2) Stay away from the chocolate – Truth, I’m not a big chocolate fan. And I’m even less of a fan of those disgusting chocolates that come in heart-shaped boxes. So besides being completely unappetizing, you should just stay away from them during the V-day holiday season because winter is almost coming to a close and you don’t want to break out the tees and tanks rocking a new layer of upper arm fat. And if your boyfriend buys you these treats – beware. He’s probably trying to fatten you up so he has a reason to dump you later.
3) Avoid lame single girl traditions like “GALentine’s Day” – this will only make you feel more single and alone on the big day. Sitting around with your besties slugging dirty martinis talking about how you totally don’t need a man in your life to make you feel fulfilled only makes you more of a loser. It’s just a Tuesday. Get on with it.
4) Accept that it’s a day you’ll get cards and presents – I can’t really hate any holiday that revolves around gift giving (and receiving). Whether you’re in a relationship or you can just depend on your dad sending a card, getting something in the mail or wrapped and handed to you is pretty awesome. If you’re the gift giver, refrain from lame sappy gifts and Coach bags. Instead, go for things you wear on your feet that have red soles. Writing long-winded cards about your love being endless like the ocean or some shit is just weird. I know February is cold and it’s hard to stay focused after all those winter months, but try not to lose your bad ass-ness and do something lame like give – or graciously accept – a handwritten gift.
5) Don’t wear red. Or pink. Or light up pins, dangling earrings, etc. You’re not 6 and it’s not your kindergarten graduation. It’s not even a real holiday. Save your festivities for St. Patrick’s day, a day centered around binge drink, which is far less likely to make you vom.
Happy Valentine’s Day punks.