Your Shoes — And What They Mean About You

It should come as no surprise that I’m somewhat of a shoe junkie. The higher the heel the better, in my opinion. When I’m on the subway, I look down not in an attempt to avoid eye-contact with my fellow passengers, but because I’m silently judging their shoe choices. Poor shoe selection is one of those things that really irks me about a person. Like I totally understand different taste, but I don’t understand on what planet some people think their shoes are acceptable. It kills me. Similar to women who don’t wear make-up, I think women who don’t wear heels (or at the very least some freaking adorable ballet flats, Oxfords, or riding boots) need a smack across their face. Or maybe they just need to read this post, and see what their shoe choices are really saying about them.

I will take one of each please

a. Ballet Flats – I wear ballet flats (and did you seeeeee this??? TOMS is coming out with their own line. Seriously, I die). But here’s when I wear flats – when I’m too tired to wear heels in the morning. Sometimes, not often but sometimes, I roll out of bed and I’m so exhausted I can’t even possibly imagine putting my feet into anything but flats. I’m not going to sit here and say that flats are as good as heels, but they’re cute when worn well (if you ever wear them with boot cut jeans though, I will cut you). They say, I care about my footwear, but I also care about sleeping another 10 minutes. You shouldn’t wear them more than once per week though. 

b. Sneakers — unless you’re at the gym, sneakers are NEVER an acceptable option. Ever. You know what it says about you? I have orthopedic problems. Or, if you’re choosing to rock what you think are some killer sneaks, I urge you to evaluate if you’re either a rapper or a basketball player. No to both of those occupations? Then keep those things in your gym bag. Thanks. 


c. Kitten Heels – I have nothing to say except kitten heels are named that for a reason. They’re for pussies. 

d. Crocs – I’m like really into gardening. Or, I’m 6. Or, if you’re really into the Food Network, I’m Mario Batali. 

e. Uggs – If you’re wearing these seriously, like as your main pair of shoes for the day, and not just running out or on your walk to the subway in sub-zero temps, here’s what your Uggs mean: You were very into fashion – 8 years ago. 

f. Flip flops – I just came from a pedicure. Oh you didn’t? Well then you shouldn’t be wearing these. No one wants to see your skanky feet with that vulgar separation between your first and second toes. Flip flops are a sure fire way to make a cute summer outfit look like you bought it at Walmart. Anything Old Navy sells 2 for $5 (or really just sells in general) is not something I’m going to be putting my feet into. You probably shouldn’t either. 

g. High Heels – hello, lover. I would wear high heels all day everyday if I could. Like I would rather rearrange events, meetings, etc. if it means that a situation I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) ordinarily wear heels in is turned into a perfect heel-opp. The details: Nothing shorter than 4 inches unless you’re planning to have to run somewhere. I don’t care if they’re stilleto, stacked, wedged or a traditional pump – a heel is a heel. And it is totally acceptable to wear them around the apartment in your PJs and prance in front of the mirror.

Now, before you take to the comments and bitch and moan about your restaurant job, teaching career, etc. I don’t judge your shoes choices if your occupation dictates a certain style. But there are always acceptable choices that weren’t beaten with the ugly stick.


Posted on January 31, 2012, in shoes and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Mallorie, sounds like you have the IQ of a handball.

  2. Love everything about this. Wearing my Mallorie inspired black swede heeled booties today and feeling oh-so-fabulous.

  3. “f. Flip flops – I just came from a pedicure. Oh you didn’t? Well then you shouldn’t be wearing these. No one wants to see your skanky feet with that vulgar separation between your first and second toes.”

    Said the girl with an about picture in flip-flops and bright turquoise(?) nail polish that I wore when I was 12…

    • Those aren’t flip flop – sandals (actually hand made in Nicaragua, picked them up on a trip out there a few years ago). It’s a slight variation, but I can see how someone might get confused. As for the nails – bright colors are actually super in, especially in the summer, which is when that picture was taken.

      Thanks for commenting (and for perusing the rest of the blog, didn’t think anyone actually checked out those other tabs).

  4. What about boots? I Have a bit of a boot fetish. :o)

  5. Way to be Ignorant, ma'am!

    Are you saying that women who don’t wear heels or makeup are unatractive? I don’t wear either because I hate both, and my style is FAR from unattractive. Honestly, unless I’m in an expensive party dress, I wouldn’t be caught dead in heels. I’d rather pair it with my Docs, thank you.
    Way to be a stereotypical antifeministic nutjob.
    Also, ballet flats are ugly and horrible for your feet, as are heels. My mother spent pretty much the entire decade of the 80s in heels and her feet are practically for shit now.

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