Things You Can’t Do at a Bar After You Graduate College

mom jeans don't belong dancing on a bar

After a particular rowdy night at a bar recently, I woke up with a pounding head, questionable text messages and a blurred memory of what happened the night before. As I was slowly recovering over a giant Diet Coke and French fries, I realized how much slower I bounced back from a night on the town than I used to 5 or 6 years ago. I then started thinking that maybe that type of behavior just isn’t acceptable after you graduate college, regardless of what city you live in. So, post-grads (and soon-to-be post-grads), I decided to compile a handy guide in case you’re confused about bar scene do’s and don’ts.

a. Puke – I was going to lie and say this was a hypothetical recommendation. But no. This is based on actual facts. Not too long ago, I took a shot of Jameson at a bar (not by choice, yes peer pressure is still running rampent at 26 1/2 years of age), and promptly threw the shot back up. On the floor of the bar. I would argue that the correct adjective to describe the vomit was “projectile”. It wasn’t pretty. This is no longer acceptable. And while commendable, it’s also not acceptable to just wash your hands, pop in a piece of gum, spray some perfume and continue drinking. You should go home and not drink again for a long time.

b. Dance on the Bar – Dancing on the bar was not only a right of passage but a go-to move while in college. I’ve danced on bars at bars, bars at frat houses, bars wherever someone would set up a make-shift. It didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that I can’t dance. Now though, dancing on a bar is a pathetic attention-getting move. It should be avoided at all costs. Yes, even if you’re back for alumni weekend at your college.

c. Make Out with a Stranger – Why is it that when you’re drunk, making out just seems like the most fun thing? Did you ever stop to think about what you look like when you’re drunk and making out. You know it’s not pretty. And yet, with the right number of drinks in you, you’re likely to throw your inhibitions and class out the window, and let a stranger probe your mouth with their tongue. This is likely how you wake up with sketchy text messages from someone you’ve entered into your phone as “BFBGK”. This is barely acceptable when you’re in college. After you graduate though, you should at least take him to the bathroom for some privacy.

d. Make Out with your Friends for Drinks – There’s probably no easier way to get a free drink than to make out with your best friend. Sometimes, you can even just get away with a peck on the lips and somene will give you a shot. If you didn’t have much money in college, this was the most affordable way to keep your pregame buzz at the bar. Now, no self-respecting post-grad would make out with their bestie for a drink.

e. Take a Shot of Wild Turkey – I’m not really sure why this was the case for my friends in college, but at last call someone would always buy a round of Wild Turkey shots and then distribute them to the friends standing closest. My guess is this was started by the boys because boys seem to be fans of Wild Turkey. This was pretty much the guarantee that your lights were going out for the night. And because my college town closed down its bars at 2am, we had many more hours of partying ahead of us post-bar. A shot of Wild Turkey ensured your afterhours spot didn’t need to include more alcohol. Now though, Wild Turkey isn’t even acceptable in the “it’s cheap so it’s hipster cool” kind of way.

f. Body Shots – some say you haven’t really lived until you’ve let someone take a shot of tequila out of your belly button. I mean maybe for some people, it’s on their bucket list. I, for one, can’t say I feel particularly fufilled having crossed that one off the list. For some reason, you think this is cool and kind of sexy. Then you actually turn the legal age to drink and you (should) realize this is just sort of sleazy. I image dancing on the bar and making out with a stranger had a baby – and that slutty baby is the body shot.

I am a firm believer (and living proof) that there’s life after college. Just not life that includes any of the above. Happy partying.

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Posted on January 17, 2012, in 20something, shenanigans, weekends and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. This makes me a little bit sad. I miss college 😦

  2. Love this! Letter C made me burst out laughing… ohhh Geneseo!

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