5 TV Shows You Should Never Watch If You Want to be Taken Seriously
It seems that every January, a slew of horrible new shows hit the airwaves with the promise of exposing all the idiots on your Facebook and Twitter feeds. These programs fall mostly into the reality TV category. You’ll see many people posting on their social profiles about how dumb these shows are, but their live tweets each week prove that they are regularly tuning in. Sometimes even DVR’ing so they don’t have to waste a moment of their mind–numbing adventures with silly commercials. Now, I don’t judge you for watching any of the below programs, but I just can’t take you seriously. If you’d like me to contine taking you seriously, avoid making public your love of the following:
1) Anything with the Kardashians. I don’t care what city they’re taking and I certainly don’t want to spend my time keeping up with them. The Kardashians are single-handedly ruining America. I hate them. There are few topics that can guarantee to get me into a heated discussion. The Kardashians fall into this category. I thought it was bad enough people wanted to buy perfume to smell like them (really people, walk around a sketchy street corner at 4am. You’ll smell like cheap whore in no time, and save yourself the fifty bucks, to boot). Then more and more TV shows started coming out. Every bus stop in Manhattan is plastered with airbrushed Kardashian appendages and a dooms-day date of when the next show will premiere. I’m sorry, but if you’re regularly watching a show staring the Kardashians, and can therefore tolerate Kim’s voice for more than 30 seconds, I’m going to doubt every thing that comes out of your mouth*.
*Look at me, avoiding a “things Kim puts in her mouth joke” up there. Woulda been too easy.
2) The Bachelor. The Bachelor is in its 16th season. SIXTEEN. My So-Called Life got unjustly cancelled after just one season and the Bachelor has lasted 16. So, so sad. Is there anything more pathetic than a bunch of boozed up girls all hooking up with the same guy, pretending to fall in love and hoping enough BJs when the cameras aren’t looking will score them a proposal, 15 minutes of fame, and a breakup that will leave US Weekly no other choice but to put them on the cover with the torrid headline of “What Really Happened: Behind the Cameras with Another Broken-Hearted Bachelorette” (see, I get so heated, I write long run-on sentences! Grammar be damned, these shows are terrible!). It’s sort of become ironic to watch and tweet about The Bachelor thanks to writer Jennifer Weiner’s hilarious live commentary on Twitter. But I know people are hiding behind the “it’s cool because it’s uncool” hipster-esque logic to mask their adoration of the show that is certainly a reason love is looked at so fleetingly in our society (I do not, however, blame Bret Michaels and Rock of Love. Because that show was amazing. Bret wanted a beej and a bone; he never lied about that. Call a duck a duck. Or in this case, a fuck).
3) American Idol. Really? You’re still watching this? Come on guys. Simon and Paula were arguably the only entertaining part of that show. Oh, and Sanjaya. Remember him? That was the only season I watched in its entirety. Sanjaya is the reason I kinda like America. Sometimes we’re funny. Steven Tyler judging a reality singing competition is the reason I kinda hate it (oh and there are some more reasons: here)
4) Anything on the CW. Oh the CW, home of programming for high school students about unrealistic high school students. From Gossip Girl to One Tree Hill to 90210, it is all rubish. I’m not going to lie though, I used to watch (and DVR) those shows a few years back. I would have premiere parties with Gossip Girl cupcakes. But I see the error of my ways now. Also, these shows have gone dramatically downhill since those first few seasons. I mean, raunchy teen sex, drug use, pregnancy (and imposed network beliefs about abortions – hey, it’s totally fine to raw dog after homecoming, but don’t ever CONSIDER terminating that pregnancy), and homicide are totally common place in most American high schools right? I get it’s supposed to be entertaining. Really, I do. But if that’s how you want to be entertained, I’m going to take away your TV.
5) The Real Housewives of anywhere. I don’t know what I hate more, that these waste of space women are on Bravo or that my beloved Food Network decided to let one of them judge an Iron Chef competition. You know Morimoto wouldn’t cook for that bitch. They let the new guy have that honor. Seriously, watching her try the food the chefs slaved over was like watching Geoffrey Zakarian get hazed by the seasoned Iron Chefs. You just know Bobby Flay and Cat Cora were ripping Ouzo shots and heckling Zakarian from the sidelines of Kitchen Stadium. But I digress, back to the trainwreck that is The Real Housewives series. Who told the producers it was ok to make multiple spin-offs? How are we not ashamed that our obsession with the first season has horrifically inspired housewives of every “major” city across the US to claim to have wealthy women who wear absurd clothes and don’t have jobs. Or better yet, have jobs teaching women how to be skinny… bitch.
I’m sure, dear readers, some of you watch these shows religiously. To you, I say – enjoy. But please don’t discuss them with me.
Posted on January 9, 2012, in rants and tagged 90210, American Idol, Bobby Flay, Bret Michaels, Cat Cora, Geoffrey Zakarian, Gossip Girl, Jill Zarin, judging, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Morimoto, Paula Abdul, Rock of Love, Sanjaya, Simon Cowell, Steven Tyler, the Bachelor, the CW, the Food Network, the Kardashians, The Real Housewives of, TV. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.