Why it’s OK to Hate America

I recently picked up a copy of the UK edition of cosmopolitan magazine. I was in a rush and there was some scantily clad blonde broad on the cover that could have easily been any number of US tartlets. Besides not being able to tell if I could actually afford any of the items listed (what’s the pounds to dollars conversion these days?), I didn’t so much mind or care that this wasn’t the US edition. Until that is, I came to a blurb about TV shows and guilty foods to eat while watching. Guess what they recommended to eat during a US show. Breadsticks and slushies. I felt so sad to be an American while reading that. Then I started thinking about the good old U-S of A. While I love NYC (a lot), I’m not particularly patriotic. There are plenty of reasons to think Americans are breadstick munching, slushy guzzling buffoons. Here are some I came up with (yes, a lot of them ended up being fucked up families…interesting trend):

1) The entire fable about how we got discovered. The only reason I appreciate Christopher Columbus is because that random day off in October is actually pretty awesome. Other than that, he’s essentially that guy who tells the quiet/funny guy’s joke louder than the quiet/funny guy and then everyone laughs at him and he takes all the credit and then the quiet/funny guy is totally uncool and forced to sell low-cost cigarettes and ends up getting cast as a werewolf in Twilight.

2) Prohibition – remember when drinking was ILLEGAL? That wasn’t even a hundred years ago. Sorry America, but you ain’t cool. Now, high school history teachers tell the story about prohibition as a threat to students — Look what the government did once! They can do it again! For god’s sake our drinking age is still 21! Even Canada, which is hardly even a country, lets their citizens drink at 19. If America was in college, it would go to the library on the weekends.

3) the Kardashians – I know, I know – poor Kim. She finally found someone with a lower IQ than she AND a name that starts with a K to boot. Then a mere 72 days later the marriage ends. We’re devastated, we’re crushed, we’re consumed with worry about how the newest reality show with her fucking retarded sisters will be affected by this. HELLO. NEWSFLASH. THIS GIRL IS FAMOUS BECAUSE SHE GAVE BRANDY’S LITTLE BROTHER A BLOWIE ON CAMERA (among other things). This is worse than the Hiltons because at least Paris is an heiress which is as close to a princess as you’ll get in this country. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure most 14 year olds can’t pass standardized tests, but they can spell Kardashian.

4) We’re fat – like really, dangerously, grossly obese. We’re the fattest country. What do you expect from a nation whose fast food chain KFC (which can only legally be referred to by that acronym because no one’s really been able to prove it’s actually chicken in there) masterminded the Double Down, which in case you forgot is a “sandwich” comprised of bacon, cheese and cream-based-sauce nestled between two pieces of fried chicken. We made a book entitled This Is Why You’re Fat a best seller. Dream big America, dream big.

5) Lauren Conrad is both a best-selling author AND a fashion designer. Who let this happen? Did the person in charge of protecting our nation’s dignity fall asleep on the job, or maybe he was helping JLo get her ass insured? Whatever the reason, I just know that this girl was brought to fame by being more pathetic than Jennifer Aniston – while in high school (OMG Stephen is totally staying with Kristen, poor LC!). They then gave her her own show, her own young adult book series, and rack space next to Vera Wang for “her” “designs”. Someone make her go away. And take the Kardashians with her.

6) We take British things and make them really lame, obnoxious, and commercialized. Case in point: The Office, Skins, Ozzy Osbourne, and most notably, the Beckhams.

7) We ruined the Olsen twins. The cute little blondes who played Michelle Tanner are now: a) ex-rehab attendees b) sketchily involved in Heath Ledger’s death c) surviving on Starbucks, cigarettes and paparazzi flashbulbs. Don’t even get me started on Jodi Sweetin (aka Stephanie Tanner) and her meth addiction. At least the Olsens got into coke. Have you seen what meth does to your teeth? I bet their TV mom is rolling over in her grave.

8 ) The Jersey Shore — I spent my childhood summers at the Jersey Shore. We played on the beach, splashed in the waves, got to go to the arcades and waste my parent’s money on boardwalk games, and eat ice cream. I adored those Mondays when my Dad was off and we piled into the car to go to Point Pleasant or Seaside. Thank you, Snooki and the rest of you jackasses for tainting my childhood memories. Even Abercrombie won’t let you wear their clothes. Abercrombie is the ultimate symbol of Americanism, so you know The Jersey Shore is something to be utterly ashamed of.

9) The Palin family – Oh boy, where to start. Sarah seems the easy target. We all know she’s a fucking idiot. The fact that she was thisclose to being our Vice President makes me terrified to ever go overseas and argue with America-haters about our country. If they bring up Palin, I have nothing to do but hang my head and say “I’m sorry”. And that’s not to even mention Bristol or her baby daddy. They were made for reality TV.

10) The Duggars — Speaking of reality TV, is there anything worse than this family? The Duggars, who recently announced they’re expecting baby number TWENTY, are raking in the dough from their TLC show. I’m sorry, but when you can host a round-robin basketball tournament with your children, you have a problem. Why, oh why, do we put them on TV? I’m just assuming they’re there to serve as a warning to the rest of us. In case anyone was considering have 20 kids. And counting.

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Posted on November 9, 2011, in rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

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