Things that Piss Off an NYC Girl

Surprise: I’m a bit of a diva. I try not to be, but I’m very specific about things I like, things I don’t like, and things that just really piss me off. So what better way to let the whole world (or at least the, like, 10 of you who read this blog faithfully) know what pisses me off then write about it. I won’t drone on with an intro paragraph, because I’m already heated just thinking about these things that drive me, an NYC girl, absolutely crazy.

1) Poor subway etiquette: Really people, if you’re going to ride my public transportation system the least you can do is learn the effing rules. It’s really not that hard. In case you’re foreign or from the suburbs, I’ll briefly recap the rules so you can be sure you don’t encounter my rush-hour rage:

a. OUT then IN. If one more stupid person tries to jam their way into the subway car before I get to exit, I will drop an elbow in their face. Do you know how hard it is to get off a crowded subway at a crowded stop at 9am when there are about 15 people trying to shove their way in. Wait until I get out, then bring your shopping cart, gym bag, dead body in a garbage bag, WHATEVER onto the car.

b. Taking my fucking seat. Seriously, this drives me insane. You’re standing on the subway, holding on to a bar for dear life because you’re clearly  balancing 3 bags while wearing 5″ heels. The person sitting in the seat directly in front of the one you’re standing in front of gets up. Then someone (likely a girl dressed similar to you, or someone fat) wedges their way in and STEALS your seat. Everyone knows that if you’re standing in front of a seat and the person sitting gets up; that seat is yours. Also, if the subway is fairly empty, never under any circumstances, sit directly next to me. Creep.

c. Eye contact. DON’T DO IT. It’s weird.

d. Morning wood. Get your d off my back. The subway isn’t that crowded. Thanks

2) Not knowing escalator rules. Really guys, it’s just like the highway. Stand in the right lane, pass in the left. When someone plants their ugly shoes in the left lane of the escalator, I literally scream “EXCUSE ME!” Occasionally they give me a death look but when they see the trail of impatient wanting-to-be-walkers behind me, they usually get the hint. This is extremely difficult on the really narrow escalators where there’s minimal room to pass people.

3) People who stop walking. Whether it’s in the middle of the street, halfway up the subway stairs, in front of a doorway, or wherever; if you suddenly come to screeching halt because you’re lost, drunk, or fucking stupid prepare for me to yell at you. Kindly move to the side of the street or wherever it is you lost all common sense (and sense of direction) and allow the rest of us skilled walkers to continue on our way.

4) People who look up. I got some slack for this when I was talking about this list with some co-workers. But seriously, is there anything more annoying that not being able to get around people because they’re walking slow (or are at a total standstill) because they’re looking up. My old office used to be across the street from Grand Central, which meant that twice a day, every day, I had to make my way through the tourists and the tour guides to get into or out of the subway. For months I would crash into people whose heads were at an incline, and I’d think “really, what are you looking at???” Then one day I finally followed their gaze and looked up too. Ok, it’s nice and all, but it’s not the Sistine Chapel. Keep moving, people.

5) People who go to Starbucks and say, “I’ll have a coffee” (also, people who order “small” “medium” or “large” — Starbucks invented its own language. It’s as bad as the guy in the deli asking me what kind of “queso” I want on my egg white wrap. I don’t want queso buddy, I want some fucking cheese.). If you’re going to Starbucks and not ordering a beverage that’s complicated to say, impossible to make, and costs more than feeding a kid in Africa for 6 months, you’re wasting everyone’s time. Starbucks is made for people who understand that the green straw is a status symbol. If you’re drinking coffee because you “like the taste of it” you can wait in line at the breakfast carts with the rest of the construction workers.

Coming up with a top 5 things that piss me off was no easy task. What pisses you off? Comments are below — get to it!

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Posted on August 22, 2011, in new york city and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Ok I agree with all but the last one here. Screw you and your Starbucks language! We are NOT in Italy or any other romantic European land. I grew up saying large, medium or small. I will die saying so! oxoxoxox

  2. LIsten — it’s totally cool if you don’t want to order a tall, grande or venti. BUT if you’re at Starbucks, you better learn – and USE – their language. It’s just rude not to.

    • Your perspective on that last one is a bit skewed. First of all, Starbucks didn’t “invent” that language; it’s fucking called Italian. WE are paying THEM to deliver us a product… If we choose to discern our beverage choice by small, medium, and large, so be it. We’re not dealing with some italian barista who has a long lineage of brewing coffee; 9 out of 10 times, our server is a college undergrad who’s only working to pay off tuition for classes they’ve rarely attended. You really think these kids even know Venti means 20, and not large? Highly doubtful. This is America, and there is a Starbucks on every corner. Clearly not every customer is going there to have their insecurities about their social status quelled by being brand-associated with a green straw.

      You don’t want queso, but you want some fucking cheese. I don’t want a venti, I want a fucking large. Don’t be such a hypocrite.

      /rant

  3. to echo what i replied to you via Facebook comment (and to elaborate):
    a) It’s not hypocrisy. It was a comparison to show the need to use the language appropriate for the location. the deli next door to the office… i’m not looking for spanglish; the starbucks on every corner in America, they’ve reinvented the Italian language for their coffee world. It’s obnoxious to go into a place where they clearly have their sizes listed and how you should order and then disregard it.
    b) If you haven’t been able to tell from reading the rest of the blog — and you’ve “liked” and commented on Facebook before; posts like this are tongue-in-cheek. Sounds like you’ve got your own insecurities with the Starbucks world if you were driven to rant on a blog of someone you don’t even know
    c) not every employee at Starbucks is a stupid college kid and it’s ignorant of you to assume so. I know some people, my sister-in-law for one, who has worked at Starbucks for 10 years, knows a TON about coffee and is passionate about the story of the beans Starbucks brings in to their locations. To your final point about social status and to exemplify point b) i think it’s fucking hilarious that because Britney Spears started drinking caramel fraps around the time she started hanging with K-Fed, it became a status symbol

    above all though, starbucks makes the best specialty coffee / tea drinks in most cities and i do think it’s dumb for people to go in and spend 4 bucks on a regular brew.

    don’t like it; don’t read it. like I said, I have 10 very happy readers (hey MOM!)

  4. Mallorie… You’re beyond hilarious, ok? I hate Starbucks, and that could be because I hate coffee, and don’t really wanna pay whatever they charge, but whenever I end up there to order a hot chocolate (I know, I know… Go to a breakfast cart), I ask for “whatever is a medium,” or “Which one is medium?” I don’t speak Italian. And I don’t wanna accidentally say the wrong word because it sounds pretty and comes out first. I want the middle-sized cup please. I mean… I know, it’s wrong. That’s like ordering a Happy Meal at Wendy’s isn’t it? I’m still working on me. Not perfect YET.

  5. And I really should have hit “ENTER” after the “you’re hilarious” sentence. I wasn’t being sarcastic. Don’t kill me. Lol.

  6. Ummm wow. It’s not that serious. Starbucks employees don’t even care. They totally smile at me every time when I order my large iced coffee with soy, hazelnut and a shot of espresso. Big hugs! Oh P.S When getting off the train and it looks like people are getting on before you scream “EXCUSE ME!” It will startle them and allow you to get off. Works for me. ❤

    • @jojo I’ll teach you the starbucks ways (remember when I had you order me a caramel brule latte and you were so confused?? hehe) if you teach me your ways of conquering the OUT then IN dummies. Deal?

      You’re lucky I love you ❤

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