Things that Piss Off an NYC Girl
Surprise: I’m a bit of a diva. I try not to be, but I’m very specific about things I like, things I don’t like, and things that just really piss me off. So what better way to let the whole world (or at least the, like, 10 of you who read this blog faithfully) know what pisses me off then write about it. I won’t drone on with an intro paragraph, because I’m already heated just thinking about these things that drive me, an NYC girl, absolutely crazy.
1) Poor subway etiquette: Really people, if you’re going to ride my public transportation system the least you can do is learn the effing rules. It’s really not that hard. In case you’re foreign or from the suburbs, I’ll briefly recap the rules so you can be sure you don’t encounter my rush-hour rage:
a. OUT then IN. If one more stupid person tries to jam their way into the subway car before I get to exit, I will drop an elbow in their face. Do you know how hard it is to get off a crowded subway at a crowded stop at 9am when there are about 15 people trying to shove their way in. Wait until I get out, then bring your shopping cart, gym bag, dead body in a garbage bag, WHATEVER onto the car.
b. Taking my fucking seat. Seriously, this drives me insane. You’re standing on the subway, holding on to a bar for dear life because you’re clearly balancing 3 bags while wearing 5″ heels. The person sitting in the seat directly in front of the one you’re standing in front of gets up. Then someone (likely a girl dressed similar to you, or someone fat) wedges their way in and STEALS your seat. Everyone knows that if you’re standing in front of a seat and the person sitting gets up; that seat is yours. Also, if the subway is fairly empty, never under any circumstances, sit directly next to me. Creep.
c. Eye contact. DON’T DO IT. It’s weird.
d. Morning wood. Get your d off my back. The subway isn’t that crowded. Thanks
2) Not knowing escalator rules. Really guys, it’s just like the highway. Stand in the right lane, pass in the left. When someone plants their ugly shoes in the left lane of the escalator, I literally scream “EXCUSE ME!” Occasionally they give me a death look but when they see the trail of impatient wanting-to-be-walkers behind me, they usually get the hint. This is extremely difficult on the really narrow escalators where there’s minimal room to pass people.
3) People who stop walking. Whether it’s in the middle of the street, halfway up the subway stairs, in front of a doorway, or wherever; if you suddenly come to screeching halt because you’re lost, drunk, or fucking stupid prepare for me to yell at you. Kindly move to the side of the street or wherever it is you lost all common sense (and sense of direction) and allow the rest of us skilled walkers to continue on our way.
4) People who look up. I got some slack for this when I was talking about this list with some co-workers. But seriously, is there anything more annoying that not being able to get around people because they’re walking slow (or are at a total standstill) because they’re looking up. My old office used to be across the street from Grand Central, which meant that twice a day, every day, I had to make my way through the tourists and the tour guides to get into or out of the subway. For months I would crash into people whose heads were at an incline, and I’d think “really, what are you looking at???” Then one day I finally followed their gaze and looked up too. Ok, it’s nice and all, but it’s not the Sistine Chapel. Keep moving, people.
5) People who go to Starbucks and say, “I’ll have a coffee” (also, people who order “small” “medium” or “large” — Starbucks invented its own language. It’s as bad as the guy in the deli asking me what kind of “queso” I want on my egg white wrap. I don’t want queso buddy, I want some fucking cheese.). If you’re going to Starbucks and not ordering a beverage that’s complicated to say, impossible to make, and costs more than feeding a kid in Africa for 6 months, you’re wasting everyone’s time. Starbucks is made for people who understand that the green straw is a status symbol. If you’re drinking coffee because you “like the taste of it” you can wait in line at the breakfast carts with the rest of the construction workers.
Coming up with a top 5 things that piss me off was no easy task. What pisses you off? Comments are below — get to it!
Posted on August 22, 2011, in new york city and tagged escalators, grand central, new york city, new york city girl, public transportation, starbucks, subway, things that piss me off. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.