Secret Single Behavior… Virgin Shoes

Because most moments in a woman’s life generally come back to a Sex and the City reference, it seemed only fitting that I have a Carrie-embodying occasion as I opened my latest pair of shoes. The particular episode I’m recalling is when the ladies discuss their secret single behaviors. For those of you who don’t know, SSBs are those odd things we wouldn’t dare attempt letting another person see us do — especially a significant other.

As I was tearing my way into a new box of shoes, I discovered my own SSB: taking a shoe’s virginity. Ok, it’s not as weird or as vulgar as you’re probably imagining (get your head outta the gutter!), but it definitely goes along with what Carrie and Miranda discuss in the episode. Allow me to explain.

You know when you open a box of shoes at the store, waiting to try it on to see if you’ve just found a new little baby to add to your collection, and you have to go through the process of removing the tissue paper, the cardboard, the plastic, etc. from the shoe? THAT’S A VIRGIN SHOE. No one has tried it on before. It’s perfect, straight from the factory, ready for your foot and your foot only. So when my recently purchased (and pictured below) Betsey Johnson’s arrived, I was in shoe heaven. They came to my door in a bright pink box and pink satin ribbon, carefully wrapped and nestled like the baby Jesus (except in leopard print tissue paper instead of swaddling cloth).  I tore my way through the packaging, pausing for a good 30 seconds to lift each shoe from the box and examine it from all angles. I smelled the damn thing. I then pranced around my bedroom in the 5+ inches of fine shoe-makery for an hour. While wearing boxer shorts and my “Geneseo is Uphill… Both F#?&in Ways” t-shirt.

Am I proud that I did this? No. Is it embarrassing to admit that it takes me 15 minutes to open a box of shoes? Yes. Do I think it’s weird that I smell new shoes, model them for myself and then lounge in bed with my legs up in the air admiring them from all angles (and maybe snapping a few pics)? I most certainly do. But ya know what? I don’t really care. When we become adults, it’s really hard to find little things that make you really, really happy. Like Paul Rudd says in Knocked Up: “I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.” Well, new shoes are my fucking bubbles. I’m not going to sit in the middle of DSW and be a crazy-shoe lady. But that’s why there’s online shopping: so pillaging shoes can  remain my (not-so) secret single behavior.

So now that I’ve laid it out there, I expect at least one or two SSB confessions in the comments (don’t worry, it can be anonymous). 

Disclosure: this post was written while wearing boxers, aforementioned Geneseo tee and these glorious Betsey shoes:

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Posted on May 24, 2011, in shoes and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I just want you to know that since I started reading your blog I have bought 3 pairs of shoes…Just saying. :oP

  2. FYI, I love Betsey Johnson shoes. I need to show you mine- they’re fabulous. Must compare shoe notes before the summit!

  3. @jojo – you’re welcome 🙂 (oh, and thank you too hehe)

    @GGGB – we need a shoe date asap!

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